


Inconsolable

by WriteByNight



Series: Sterek Week 2016 [2]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Kid Fic, M/M, Past Child Death, Sterek Week 2016
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-25
Updated: 2016-10-25
Packaged: 2018-08-24 15:50:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,334
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8378089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WriteByNight/pseuds/WriteByNight
Summary: “Stiles?”
   “Hmmm?” he hummed back, refusing to speak so he wouldn't wake his son.   “You know he isn't going to fade away if you put him down, right? Or let me hold him?”   Stiles' heart twinged as guilt blossomed in his chest. Ever since their son had come home from the hospital, Stiles had happily changed nearly every diaper, fed him almost every bottle, bathed him every three days and cuddled him almost nonstop.   The rare times he hadn't changed or fed James was when he was in the bathroom or showering. If he were busy doing anything else, he'd abandon his task and ask Derek to take over so he could attend to James. Derek's moments with his son were fleeting and closely monitored by Stiles, who hovered like a mother bear.   “I'm sorry.” Stiles sighed as he tried to force his arms to stretch and offer their son to Derek, but his arms wouldn't obey.





	

Stiles stared wide-eyed at the babe sleeping soundly in his arms. He studied the tiny little nose, the large cheeks, and the long eyelashes. He brushed the pad of his forefinger over the baby's dark eyebrows with a fond smile as the baby screwed his face up in a scowl.

James was every bit as adorable as his father. Well, his other father.

“You know, you're going to have to put him down at some point.” A voice teased from behind Stiles, but he managed to resist the urge to jump at his husband's unannounced presence. He didn't want to disturb the peacefully sleeping baby bundled in his loving embrace.

Stiles hadn't ever really gave much thought to terms like 'loving embrace' until James was born. He finally understood what unselfish and undying love was.

“Stiles?”

“Hmmm?” he hummed back, refusing to speak so he wouldn't wake his son.

“You know he isn't going to fade away if you put him down, right? Or let me hold him?”

Stiles' heart twinged as guilt blossomed in his chest. Ever since their son had come home from the hospital, Stiles had happily changed nearly every diaper, fed him almost every bottle, bathed him every three days and cuddled him almost nonstop.

The rare times he hadn't changed or fed James was when he was in the bathroom or showering. If he were busy doing anything else, he'd abandon his task and ask Derek to take over so he could attend to James. Derek's moments with his son were fleeting and closely monitored by Stiles, who hovered like a mother bear.

“I'm sorry.” Stiles sighed as he tried to force his arms to stretch and offer their son to Derek, but his arms wouldn't obey.

“I want to bond with him, too,” Derek mumbled softly. “I've tried to give you time to adjust because I know how hard this has been for you, but it's hard for me, too. You're treating me li-” He cut himself off with a heavy sigh as he scrubbed at his beard before he continued, “I feel like I'm an untrustworthy babysitter rather than his father.”

Stiles whirled around and stared at Derek with large, horror-filled eyes. Derek's own eyes were filled with tears and he seemed incredibly tired and worn out like he was admitting to defeat after fighting a long and exhausting uphill battle.

It wasn't a look Stiles ever wanted to see on the face of the love of his life and father of his children.

“Derek, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel like that or push you away. You know I trust you. _You're_ the one that grew up with a bunch of siblings and had younger cousins. Out of the two of us, you have the most experience with babies and kids.” Stiles took a shaky inhale of air and nearly whispered, “But since the accident, I- I'm just...

“I'm so worried that if I set him down, he's going to find a way to suffocate, or his heart will stop and I won't know until it's too late. I'm worried about every cough and sneeze. If he's not with me, I'm worried that his neck and head aren't being supp-”

“When he's not with you, he's with me!” Derek nearly shouted before realizing they had a baby in the room and he snapped his mouth shut with an audible _click_ as they both stared at the stirring bundle in Stiles' arms.

James' tiny mouth parted to let out a barely audible whimper, but it was enough to get Stiles to start fussing over the baby all over again.

“I'm going out. Cool down.” Derek muttered brokenly as he backed from the room. His eyes never left his husband and son; one of which was already in his own little world and the other oblivious to the strained emotions in the room.

Derek grabbed his leather jacket, wallet, and keys before jogging from the house and hopping into the truck he'd bought after he'd sold his Camaro. He briefly contemplated taking the Subaru, but he didn't want to leave Stiles and James stranded, in case there was an accident.

Every move and decision he made and every thought in his head now revolved not only Stiles but also James. Derek had come a long way from the teenager whose entire family had gone up in smoke, from losing his sister, and finding the other alive, from gaining a pack just to lose them as well. From being used in every single relationship he'd had. From finally admitting his feelings for Stiles, to proposing to him, to their wedding day and the birth of their first son. Derek wasn't the same man he'd been when he met Stiles and he was extremely proud of himself.

He just wished his husband would address his fears and talk to him so they could reconnect and start healing. He wanted to hold, care for and bond with his son. He wanted to be a family again.

**~~~~~~*~~~~~~*~~~~~~***

Stiles settled James into the bassinet next to his side of the bed. The bassinet had the cover removed so it wouldn't fall and possibly injure the helpless baby. There weren't any toys or stuffed animals anywhere near the bassinet, so nothing could potentially fall on him and suffocate James. Stiles slipped three fingers into the neck of the sleep sack and made sure it wasn't too tight on his son's throat nor too warm.

James was already sleeping peacefully and didn't even have a need to use for his pacifier to soothe him, yet. He was easily satisfied and calmed, and nothing like the screaming and wailing infant Stiles thought he'd be. He wondered if Derek had been such a relaxed baby and perhaps James took after him. He knew he had been an utter terror to his parents.

Stiles slid under the covers and cast a worried look to the window. It'd been hours since Derek left. At first, Stiles hadn't noticed the time, but now that it was well past midnight he was getting concerned. He'd already woken up twice to the sounds of the house settling whilst thinking it was Derek arriving home. He'd been disappointed both times and wondered if he should continue to give Derek his space or call and check up on him.

Stiles fell asleep with his phone in his hand. A blank text message to Derek had been opened but remained untouched on his screen.

**~~~~~~*~~~~~~*~~~~~~***

Derek wound up driving further than he had planned. Not that he had really had a plan when he left the house. When he got in the truck he thought he'd just drive around the neighborhood, or to the local park and go for a run. He had been easily irritated by the stop-and-go traffic it took to get to the nicest park, and once he had arrived he'd been upset by the sight of families at the park. He had turned around and headed for the highway, eager to put some distance between him and his thoughts for at least a little while.

That had been quite awhile ago, though. It was almost midnight and Derek was exhausted and a quick glance at the clock on the dashboard made him aware that he was more than three hours away from home. He took the next exit and drove through a quiet town and pulled into a nearly empty Wal-Mart parking lot. He parked in an empty space devoid of other vehicles on the side of the building, away from the lamp posts that beamed through the sunroof and into his eyes.

Derek tilted the seat back as far as it would go and took out his phone to check his messages. There were a few unread messages, but not one from the man he needed to hear from the most.

He tapped out a message to tell Stiles he was fine and was going to rest before coming back home and sent it, but his phone chimed after barely a second had passed. He swore when the message wasn't received because he didn't have any service.

If he were less tired, physically, emotionally and mentally, Derek would've drove around until he found service, but as it was, he was just done. Done with thinking, done with trying so damn hard all the time for his efforts to get him nowhere... So he shut off his phone to save his battery, made sure the doors were locked and leaned back against his seat to get a little sleep.

**~~~~~~*~~~~~~*~~~~~~***

When James woke Stiles up every two and a half hours for a feed he expected to discover Derek sleeping next to him, but his husband was still absent. After he had finished feeding and changing James at a quarter to 6 in the morning, Stiles decided he was done waiting. He sent a couple of texts to his dad and called Derek a few times, but was sent straight to voice mail and his messages were ignored.

He texted Isaac, Scott, Allison, and Cora next, to see if any of them had heard from him. When they replied that they hadn't, Stiles began to panic.

He didn't know where to go to look first nor what to do with James. He could hardly tote his son around as he searched for Derek. They had finally got him settled on a schedule and he didn't want to muck it all up.

James was picking up on his rising anxiety and no longer dozed off to sleep easily nor wanted to be held. He whimpered and wailed, and flailed his little fists and legs as he took in stuttering lungfuls of air before bellowing as loud as his small body possibly could.

Stiles wanted to cry along with him.

**~~~~~~*~~~~~~*~~~~~~***

Derek nearly brained himself on the roof as he jerked awake when a car alarm went off. It took him a moment to gather his bearings and get used to the morning light. He scrubbed a hand over his face as he blinked the sleep from his eyes. He hit the clock icon on the dashboard and groaned when he realized it was nearly 5 AM.

He rolled down the windows since they had steamed up during the night, and started the truck. He had to get back on the road and get home to Stiles and James.

His thoughts were interrupted by a loud buzzer sound that emanated from his dashboard, alerting him that he was low on gas. He swore and began to look for a gas station.

**~~~~~~*~~~~~~*~~~~~~***

“Stiles, please sit down. You're not doing yourself any favors running around and getting all worked up.” Sheriff John Stilinski said as he poured himself another cup of coffee and leaned against the kitchen counter as he kept sneaking a watchful peek at his anxious son from the corner of his eye.

“I can't calm down!” Stiles snapped in a high-pitched voice as he paced between the kitchen and living room. “No one has heard from Derek, he isn't answering his phone and when I tried to use Family Locator it told me his phone is _hours_ away. Derek doesn't even know anyone that lives that far north of us.”

“Maybe he went to clear his head and got lost.”

“Derek doesn't get lost! He leaves, sometimes, but he's _never_ gone so far! He barely makes it to the next town when he needs to cool off! He's too afraid that something will happen and thinks we're all vulnerable without him.” Stiles sniffled as tears burned his eyes and caused his nose to tingle. “He wouldn't leave James and me. He wouldn't do that.”

“Ping his phone again,” his dad instructed as he put a bagel in the toaster.

“HOW CAN YOU BE SO CALM? MY HUSBAND IS GONE AND IT'S ALL MY FAULT!” Stiles screamed at the top of his lungs as tears streaked down his face. His throat burned painfully and his heart clenched as he thought of being abandoned by the love of his life.

How was he suppose to live without Derek by his side? It was bad enough his heart was broken and still healing, and Derek knew that. He knew Derek was suffering as well. So why would he abandon Stiles and James when they were the only ones who could possibly understand the pain he felt?

“Stiles, stop it. It's not your fault.” John said as he set down his coffee and walked toward his sobbing son, but a loud, wet cry sounded from the living room. He paused and looked between Stiles and the baby bouncer where his grandson was kicking up a fuss.

Stiles strode from the room and walked over to extract James from the buckles holding him safely in place. He picked him up and held him against his chest. Stiles felt minutely better with his son in his arms, but he knew he'd feel even better if Derek's arms were wrapped around them both. He rested his cheek on the crown of his son's head as tears continued to flow steadily. Stiles hummed brokenly as he walked around the room with a bounce in his step.

He had no idea how to calm James down. James was barely a month old and hadn't really been inconsolable before. Stiles checked his diaper and tried to feed James the bottle his dad had made and offered to him, but James wasn't having any of it. With a hiccup and a wet gurgle, James spit up on Stiles' shirt in protest.

“Give him to me, Stiles, and go clean up. Take a real shower, don't just change your shirt. You look like hell and some warm water will do you good.”

“I've got-” Stiles mumbled as he cut himself off with a hiccup. “I've got to take care of James.”

“ _I'll_ take care of James. _You_ need to take care of yourself.” John spoke over James' wails as he set down his coffee and began walking toward his son and grandson. “It seems to me that you and Derek haven't been focusing on your relationship and have let it go awry. Things mount up, the stress gets to you, and then you end up thinking and saying things that you don't really mean. Especially when you've been through the hell you two went through.”

His dad gently pried James from Stiles' arms and began to walk toward the kitchen. John attempted to get James interested in his bottle as the bagels popped up from the toaster.

“Dad, give me James. I can mang-”

“Stiles, you can't even manage your damn self! You've ignored Derek, and Scott and the others haven't heard from you in over a week. You don't even call _me_ anymore despite finding the time to call me on a weekly basis all through college up until now. We're all worried about you, and Derek informed me that you weren't letting him bond with James.

“I know what happened with Eren was awful, and no parent should have to bury their child, but it was an _accident_. It wasn't your fault, and it wasn't Derek's, either. It was a mis-”

“A mistake that cost my son his _life_!” Stiles shouted over his second son's loud screams as tears blurred his vision and a large, constricting ball formed in his throat that made speaking nearly impossible. “I should've been here. Derek should've been watching him more closely!”

James' cries began to nearly drown out all other noise, but Stiles nearly jumped out of his skin when Derek walked through the front door.

“Derek!” Stiles gasped inaudibly as he lurched toward his husband with his arms outstretched.

The older male easily caught the brunette and pulled Stiles to his chest tightly as he set his cheek on the top of his head.

“I'm sorry I was gone for so long,” Derek said into Stiles' ear as he stroked his hand up and down his husbands' back, aware of how the younger man trembled in his arms. He was practically holding him up since Stiles' legs seemed to have turned to jelly.

“Where _were_ you?” Stiles' muffled voice questioned mournfully. “Why didn't you come home?” he pressed his face into his husband's shirt, effectively smearing tears and snot over his face and the fabric. He knew he'd also dirtied Derek's shirt with James' recent spit up, but he couldn't be bothered to care or back away.

“I just wanted to drive and didn't realize how far I'd gotten until it was really late. My phone lost its signal. I tried to text you, but it didn't go through. I was too tired to drive back, so I spent the night in the truck.” Derek explained before he pressed a kiss to the top of his husband's head. “I'm sorry.”

“Don't leave me,” Stiles begged, and his fingers dug into Derek's back in desperation. It didn't help that he knew Derek wouldn't even feel the rough bite of his nails nor the punishing grip of his fingers due to his husband's accelerated healing. He pressed his fingers in harder and his hands shook under the pressure. “Don't leave us ever again.”

“I won't,” Derek promised gently with a wince as Stiles retracted his fingers from his back and wrapped his arms around his waist. Derek looked toward the kitchen, where John was slowly swaying with James in one arm and a cup of coffee in his other hand.

“You boys need time with each other to sort things out,” John spoke up before he drained his coffee cup. “I'm going to take James with me for the weekend so you two can get sorted out. I'd recommend couples counseling and grief counseling. I've got a few names and numbers of a few trusted doctors that have worked with the station for years if you need them.”

Derek nodded gratefully to his father-in-law as John turned to rinse out his cup before going upstairs, supposedly to grab the necessities he'd need to care for James for the next couple of days. It hurt to see them go, knowing that was another two days where he wouldn't get to hold his son, or bond with him, care for him and watch him grow up in front of his eyes.

Letting James go with John wasn't nearly as hard as finding Eren unresponsive on his stomach with his face turning blue. Nor as hard as trying to give his son CPR as he waited for an ambulance. It had been extremely difficult to call Stiles and tell him to come to the hospital when Eren flatlined. It was more painful than anyone could ever imagine to stand near a small grave as a tiny coffin was lowered into the ground. Allowing John to take James for the weekend was the easiest thing in the world after what they'd been through.

Derek tightened his grip on his slightly smaller husband as he held Stiles close and didn't want to let go. He was still wearing the same clothes from the day before, and his shirt now had tears, snot and spit up on it, but he didn't care. Having Stiles in his arms and knowing James was in good hands was enough for him. He knew he and Stiles would work things out. They'd never get over the death of Eren, but they wouldn't allow his unfortunate demise to tear them apart and leave James being traded between parent to parent for the rest of his life. They would sort things out and grow stronger than ever.

Derek knew his life wasn't worth living if he continued to allow the mistakes of the past to drive him away from the little family he had found. It wasn't nearly as large nor powerful as the Hale pack had been, but it was just as loving and worth fighting for.


End file.
